i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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