do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
