When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
