I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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