so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize