where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
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