you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
