Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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