ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
