You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
