I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
