I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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