We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
