He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
