I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
