my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
