It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
