I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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