i permit you to call me
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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