you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
