I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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