it's not cheating when I paid for it
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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