Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
