Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
