So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
