I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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