She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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