oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
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