went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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