A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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