I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
well you can't waste a boner
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
