I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
where are my eyebrows?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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