so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
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She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
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He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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