I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
