There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
