Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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