What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
