Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
