I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
