What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
