I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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