first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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