I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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