I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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