There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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