Are we in a gay sports bar?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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