cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
