just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
