That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
