so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
