Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
