When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
