I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
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Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
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Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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