I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
