Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
