tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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