Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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