You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
