just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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