i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
