Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
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I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
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He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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